Feels like I have resurrected from my dark grave..
Have confined myself for so so long that the lights hurt..
the comfort of darkness and it’s warm cold memory brings nostalgia..
It’s a sad irony that the cold dark surrounding feels like home and the sunlight… strangely the warmth it brings and the prospect of sunny days ahead seems hostile..
In my defence..
I understand but just cannot relate to it at this juncture in my pathetic life..
Cannot comprehend it with the frame of mind I find myself in these days..
Friends families and well-wishers..
I cannot help but find them intrusive meddlesome and even obtuse
Definitely not in my circle of trust
What pains me the most is that I know that it’s not their fault..
None at all..
They are just being who they are..
Confused but doing the best they can
They care enough to ignore the hate and indifference I emanate..
Ignore the very overt signals I send with every fibre that makes me be these days..
An emphatic message that says..
Leave me alone..
And yet they make small gestures and little wary approaches..
Wary that I may hate them more
Scared even more that it may further push me into my shell..
My self imposed prison..
Walls that I have built with pain tears and hurt..
Walls that imprison me but in a bizarre, inexplicable way sets me free..
I look at my loved ones and feel a lot of pain.. for the pain that I am causing them..
And I look at me and it’s all pain here too..
I run away from very people who I know love me and will never give up on me..
Yet I cannot take their hands..
Hands and hearts that are desperately reaching out for me..
Cannot apologise and express my emotions..
What I wouldn’t give to tell them how I feel, what I feel or why..
I try.. I have tried but it’s like my very soul has turned to steel.. And it irreversible..
All I wish for is to left alone..
One day I hope I will rise and shine again..
I am hopeful but that’s the best I can do right now..
P.S. I wrote this from someone else’s perspective.